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sekritomgDec. 19
Kyle wasn’t supposed to make personal calls when he was on the clock. But that had never stopped him before, and hey — what was the upside to working from home if he didn’t break all the rules? He tried to excuse his misdemeanor with the logic that this was a sudden realization, an epiphany. All of his rationale was quickly forgotten when Kenny picked up.
“Hello?” he asked groggily.
“Kenny!” Kyle spat out, just excited past the point of annoyingness. “Do you know what shiksappeal is?”
“Um.” Kenny paused. “What is that? Is that Yiddish?”
“Close! It’s Yinglish.”
“What is that, is that like a—”
“—combination of Yiddish and English!” Kyle helpfully filled in the blank.
“Oh.” There was another awkward paused. Kenny blinked, but Kyle didn’t hear this over the phone. “I don’t … no, I don’t know what this Shakespearepeal is that you speak of.”
Kyle sighed heavily. “No, retard. Shiksappeal.”
“Yeah, okay. I still don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“It’s a quality that a non-Jewish woman has that makes a Jewish man attracted to her.”
“Mmhmmm,” Kenny agreed, nodding, his chin brushing against the receiver, which Kyle actually could hear.
“And in Yiddish, a non-Jewish girl is called a ‘shiksa.’ ”
“Wow. Well, you learn some Yiddish everyday, don’t you? I mean, I do. I bet you know all the Yiddish you’re ever going to know.”
“Oh, I don’t know that much,” Kyle confessed. “Just the basics. But that’s really not the point. So, shiksappeal, it’s when a Jewish man likes a gentile lady. What I want to know is, what if the lady is a dude? And the … uh, dude … is also a, um … dude,” he finished nervously.
“Dude. I’m really just your drug dealer.”
“You’re my only friend in
“That’s because you’re an anti-social nerd, and your boyfriend’s friends all live where they work, which is in the city.”
“This is irrelevant. What I need to know is, do you think it’s possible that I was attracted to Stan because he’s not a Jew?”
“What?” Kenny sighed. “Look, Kyle. I’m not a Jew, I’m not a gay, and I’m definitely not a psychotherapist. Why don’t you ask your mother or something?”
“She’s the bitch who got me into this mess!” Kyle cried. “Please, Kenny. I really need someone to talk to.”
“You want to talk to me? Buy an ounce, then I’ll come over and drop it off and you can talk to me while I’m weighing it out.”
“That’s so fucked up! I’ve known you since I was how old? And you’re going to basically manipulate me into buying drugs to come over so I can discuss my deep personal problems?”
“What can I say? I’m a scumbag. You want drugs, or not? It’s basically therapy, anyway. What’s the harm?”
“Ugh, Kenny. I’m hanging up now.”
“Suit yourself,” Kenny told him. Kyle hung up.
~
Kenny might have been a scumbag, but he was a scumbag with a conscience, which was why, two hours later, he was walking to Kyle and Stan’s house, sans drugs, looking kind of guilty and disgusted.
“Thanks for coming,” Kyle said genuinely. He had opened the door with one hand, as he was holding the cat in his other arm. Under the glow of the thousand or so Christmas lights by the front door, Kyle’s pale skin looked especially golden.
“Yeah, well, you can thank me with your continued loyalty to my enterprise.”
“I think you like me.”
“Trust me,” Kenny assured him. “I do not.”
“I don’t mean in a gay way.” Kyle gritted his teeth. “I mean like a friend.”
“Whatever.” Kenny shrugged. “You wanna put the cat down? He’s looking at me with those creepy eyes.”
“He’s not creepy.” Kyle pushed Chastity into Kenny’s face. “He’s happy to see you. See?”
The cat did not seem happy to see Kenny. The cat seemed like he was mewling and struggling to get out of Kyle’s grasp.
“That cat is really gay.”
“You say that every time you come over,” Kyle pointed out.
“That cat is really ugly,” Kenny continued. “What the fuck is wrong with it?”
“If you’ve been told once, you’ve been told a thousand times, there’s nothing wrong with him. Chastity’s a Persian, and that’s what they look like.”
“Chastity’s a really stupid name.”
“Oh, see?” Kyle put down the howling animal, who hissed at Kenny, and ran away. “You’re just pissing him off.”
“Cats don’t get pissed off,” Kenny gritted out. “They’re fucking cats.”
“Just don’t make fun of the cat anymore, okay? It’s not like I don’t know it’s a stupid cat, it’s Stan’s cat, and it’s only Stan’s cat because he has a heart of gold.” Kyle paused, and frowned. “Kind of.”
Kenny wasn’t moved by this information at all. He’d heard the whole story before, and it didn’t negate the gayness of the cat at all, in his opinion. “So, now that you dragged me away from playing kickball with these high school girls, which was what I was supposed to be doing this afternoon, what’s got your pink panties in a twist, princess?”
“Follow me into the kitchen,” Kyle said as he backed away toward that destination, “and I’ll tell you all about it.”
After making Kenny a HoHo Mint Mochatini, Kyle unleashed a tidal wave of ranting. Kenny sat there sipping his brown cocktail, listening to Kyle rant and rave about his mom and apparently Stan’s cock, although Kenny was trying to block that part out.
When Kyle was finished, Kenny cleared his throat and said, “This homo mocha thing is delicious. What did you say was in it?”
“It’s chocolate liqueur, Kahlua … ugh, Kenny, will you just be a friend and give me some advice?”
“Oh, you don’t want my advice, it probably involves playing kickball with a bunch of 14-year-old girls.”
Kyle began rubbing his temples. “Kenny…”
“Look, I’m trying, dude! I got no idea what to say about your predicament. So, you’re into guys who aren’t Jewish. Congrats! Do you want a medal? Do you want some pot? Because I will sell you some pot. I’ve been working at Caribou on the weekends, I can get you free biscotti. … Come to think of it, did you steal this recipe from them? Because I’m pretty sure they sell the same drink, without booze.”
“No, it’s from a book I got at … godammit, stop changing the subject! I just want you to listen and be supportive!”
“Supportive. Oh my god, could you get any gayer?”
“Yes, I could go put on a tiara. No. What am I supposed to do about Stan?”
Kenny thought for a moment. “Um…” He took another sip of homo mocha booze. “I think you should just let him do it, dude.” Kyle’s eyes widened when he heard that, but Kenny continued: “You know, I’ve never had a relationship. And I’ve definitely never been Jewish. But, it seems to me, that if he wants to convert to Judaism, you shouldn’t try to stop him.”
“But,” Kyle moaned. “But it’s not like he’s so into Judaism. He just wants to do it for me.”
Kenny looked at Kyle for a long moment, and then he burst forth with, “Listen to yourself, man! You’ve found a guy who wants to change religions for you. He practically worships you, and you’re trying to fight him. Just let him do it, okay? God, are all gay people so ridiculous with the non-existent problems?”
“I’m not going to dignify that with a response. Just, look, I know I’m overreacting a little, maybe, but … the problem is so complex. It’s also about my mom, and how she won’t keep her fucking crazy-huge nose out of my life.”
“I wouldn’t insult her nose, dude, considering you’ve definitely inherited it.” Kenny tried to give Kyle a whimsical grin, but he immediately sobered up when Kyle shot him a death glare. “All right, shit, sorry.”
“She ruined my only other relationship, do you know that?”
“Yeah, I think I remember you bitching about it at some point during the past five years.”
“Well, it’s pretty sad, isn’t it? I mean, I love Stan, but I won’t lie; getting to celebrate Christmas is like the icing on the—”
“Potato pancake?”
“No, Kenny, cake. The phrase is ‘icing on the cake.’ ”
“Well, excuse me for being funny.”
“Trust me,” Kyle said stonily. “You’re not funny.”
Kenny shrugged, and fiddled with the empty martini glass in front of him. “Well, I don’t get the problem still. You get a Jewish guy, you get to celebrate Christmas — which, I should warn you, actual Christians are really just annoyed by Christmas…”
“No, you don’t get it! I don’t get Christmas! If Stan goes through with this and becomes a Jew, we won’t have any reason to celebrate it!”
“Well, maybe he doesn’t care,” Kenny suggested.
“He doesn’t!” Kyle confirmed, excited. “But I do! I care! What do you think my mom would say?”
“Something obnoxious?”
“She’d be pissed!”
Kenny sighed, and looked at his watch. “This is really beyond my expertise as a drug dealer-cum-barista,” he said in resignation. “Thanks for the gaytini, it was great.”
“Kenny, wait!” Kyle cried, rushing after his guest as the disgruntled Kenny stomped off toward the front door. “I’m not done whining yet!”
Struggling with his scarf, Kenny frowned. “Yes, and therein lies the problem, guy. You will never be done whining, because happiness is some kind of weird goal or endpoint for you.”
Kyle pursed his lips and shut his eyes, thinking for a moment. He opened them again. To Kenny, he looked like the cat when he did this. Sensibly, he didn’t say anything about that. “Isn’t happiness our common goal?”
“I don’t know.” Kenny was pulling on his gloves. “But maybe you should just do what-fucking-ever, and leave the soul-searching for someone older or more miserable. You know?”
“Honestly? No.”
Kenny smacked his forehead with a gloved hand. “How dense can you be, dude? If you want to celebrate Christmas, fucking celebrate Christmas! Who gives a shit?”
“I appreciate the sentiment,” Kyle said nervously. He was leaning against the wall, arms and legs both crossed. “I also appreciate Stan how he is.”
“Well, then dump him and go find a new guy.”
“I don’t want that either!”
“Well, see, this is why I don’t want to drop everything I’m doing and just come over and talk through things with you, you’re completely impossible.”
“You weren’t doing anything,” Kyle pointed out. “You were sleeping.”
“It doesn’t matter, you’re still an asshole.” Kenny reached out for the door knob.
“Wait!”
Kenny rolled his eyes, and let go of the door. “You have two minutes,” he warned.
“Do you know was cock-docking is?” Kyle asked.
“No.”
“It’s when one man who is circumcised puts the head of his cock, or as much as he can, really, inside of another man’s foreskin.”
Kenny cringed. “Okay, I didn’t need to know that.”
“Yes, you do.” Kyle sighed, and uncrossed his arms. “Stan and I don’t really have sex.”
“Well, this is a lot of fretting over someone you don’t even fuck, then.”
“No, I just mean we don’t have proper sex. But we do other things. I like to do this docking thing.”
“You’re making me nauseous. Is there any reason I need to know this?”
“Yeah.” Kyle shifted his weight, and stepped away from the wall. “If Stan converts he’ll be circumcised, and then we won’t be able to dock anymore.”
“Kyle.” Kenny grabbed the other man by his shoulders. “You need a gay friend. Not Stan, someone else. Someone who isn’t me to tell these problems to. Also, you need to tell your mother to fuck off. Also, you need to get a life.”
“Noted, and I agree.”
“But seriously.” Kenny had by now managed to get the door open. “Do yourself a favor and chill the fuck out.”
“Merry Christmas!” Kyle screamed after his friend out the open door. “I hope you get that prosthetic testicle you wanted!” He slammed the door shut, and whirled around, only to see Chastity sitting on the staircase with a mouse dangling precariously from his fangs. “Oh, you dumb cat,” he said mournfully. “Stan’s not here.”
Daintily, the cat tread on his funny paws over to Kyle’s feet, where he dropped the mouse, nuzzled Kyle’s shins, and proceeded to roll over onto his back.
~
“What is this?” Stan held up the sheet of torn notebook paper for Kyle to see.
Kyle, who was hunched over the computer, looked up, and then grinned, and then turned back to the computer. “Oh, that.” Kyle hit the spacebar rather angrily a few times. “That would be a list of what I want for Christmas. Or Hannukah. Or both.”
“Yeah, I know, I can tell. Hence the title, ‘Get Kyle the Following for Christmas and/or Hannukah,’ ” which, indeed, Kyle had scrawled at the top of the list.
“Well, it’s pretty straightforward.”
“Straightforward, maybe, but this shit you want is ridiculous. Like, pest control? We don’t have pests.”
“We have mice,” Kyle said succinctly. Then, in great Kyle fashion, he elaborated on that. “I know we never see them, but your cat manages to find them all right.”
“Okay.” Stan mentally made a note about that. “But, three ounces of marijuana?”
“That’s right, three.”
“A ski trip to the Poconos.”
“I’ve never been to the Poconos,” Kyle explained.
“But you can go skiing in the backyard.”
“It’s not the same.”
“I’m not going to tell your mother to fuck off for you,” Stan continued.
“But she’s an interfering bitch.”
Stan ignored this. “I’m also not going to do this one, ‘Don’t convert.’ Nice try.”
“Fuck.” Kyle stopped typing, and pushed his chair away from the desk. He swiveled around, arms crossed, to look up at Stan. “That was the one I wanted the most.”
Stan pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes. “Kyle, you’re adorable.”
“Oh, thanks.”
“But you’re driving me nuts.” Stan dropped his hand and opened his eyes. “I know when I’m being manipulated. And no one’s saying your mom’s not crazy. Trust me, she’s crazy. But this is something I want to do. Do you really think if I didn’t, she would have been able to talk me into it?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, that’s flattering.”
“Well, come on! She single-handedly destroyed my last relationship!”
“Well, maybe that goddamn relationship was on its last legs, anyway. I mean, you’re the one who told me you wouldn’t move to
“What’s the point of moving to
“They have gay marriage, and great seafood.”
“I am a Jew,” Kyle sniffed. “I don’t eat seafood.”
“Oh, please, you eat seafood all the time. You had shrimp for lunch. I saw the shells in the garbage.”
“This is going nowhere! My point is, that woman chased off the only other guy I was ever in love with. It’s infuriating to me that she would try to fuck it up with another one, and it’s more infuriating that you’re suggesting that I fucked things up with Josh and that my fat bitch whore of a mom had nothing to do with it.”
“Okay, sorry. But I’m also suggesting that maybe, just maybe, these relationships have been more in your control than you’re giving yourself credit for. I mean, so the last one didn’t work out. That was like seven years ago now. You’re with me, and I don’t like you for who your parents are.” Stan cocked his head. “Because if that were the case I’d be a pretty sad man, right?”
Kyle put his hands over his ears in protest. “I cannot have this conversation any longer. It’s so much more complex than all this.”
“Well, things in life are psychological. What do you want from me?”
Kyle took his hands off of his ears. “Honestly?”
Stan nodded. “Honestly.”
“I never want you to leave me. But I also never want you to change.”
Stan grabbed the doorframe. Standing on the threshold of Kyle’s office, he said, “You know that’s ludicrous.”
“Maybe so,” Kyle agreed. “But I’m a lame guy.”
“Well, I can’t promise either of those things,” Stan clasped his hands. “But I can promise to try.”
“Well, I appreciate that,” Kyle shrugged. He turned back to the computer. “What I don’t appreciate are these complaint e-mails I keep getting about the Christmas tree-shaped cursor I put on the website.”
“What’s wrong with it?”
“Apparently it disappears when you move it too fast. Also, it’s ‘obstructive,’ whatever that means.”
“Are you going to take it off?”
“No. Why would I do that? It’s only a week until Christmas. And besides, I run this website like I run my life: I’m leaving this baby up until the day after New Year’s.”
December 26
“I hope you know,” Stan said perfectly pleasantly, poker in the fire, “that we will be eating leftover goose well into January.”
“No, we are not,” Kyle moaned. He was slouching on the living room couch; the cat was resting half in his crotch, and half on his middle. “That goose was disgusting. I’m throwing it away.”
“That’s such a waste of food.”
“Cry about it,” Kyle taunted. Then he softened, because he knew that secretly, wasted food was the exact sort of thing Stan did cry about or, rather, the thought of orphaned children going without dinner. That, of course, was in addition to abandoned animals, and the thought of the polar ice caps melting. “It’s not really a waste, you know, considering how bad it was. I’m going to get up and throw it away.”
“Sure, go ahead.” Stan finished wiggling the newest log around, and shut the doors to the fireplace. “I bet you don’t get up for an hour.”
“Make your fucking cat get off me and we’ll talk.”
“I can’t make him do anything.” Stan fell into the couch next to Kyle. “You’re going to have to negotiate.”
“Too much work.” Kyle shut his eyes. “He’s lucky I haven’t been able to eat anything today, or I’d be puking it up all over him. In a way, it would be a very fitting revenge for all those times he interrupted us.”
“…which, technically, is your fault, for putting delicious-looking things where he could get to them.”
“I hardly consider tinsel or fake snow delicious.”
“Well, you’re not a cat.”
“I’m incredibly hungover, though,” Kyle reminded Stan. “I didn’t even drink that much.”
“If it’s possible to be hungover on Christmas, I mean the literal holiday, that would be you.” Stan bit his lip momentarily and scratched Chastity behind his ear. “Then again, one of those damn martinis is like a 40.”
“Jesus, you’re making me ill. Please never mention Christmas martinis again.”
“And you had like four of them.”
Kyle groaned. “All right, I learned my lesson.”
“It’s not just you, though, my mom put away a couple. Which one was she drinking, again? Was it the Sugarplumtini?”
“No more. Please stop. I think I might barf, actually.”
“Well, whatever.” Stan gave the cat a final pat to the head, and moved a little closer to Kyle. “Welcome to the Marsh family tradition of getting completely fucking blasted on Christmas. I mean, I kept telling you Christmas isn’t all figgy pudding and cheer.”
“As an upside, though, they took your announcement pretty well.”
“Yeah, so far.” Stan glanced at the clock. “We can expect to get a dramatic phone call from my dad in about four hours.”
“I don’t see what the big deal is.”
“Oh, you don’t see what the big deal is. You, who’s been having an aneurysm over my religion since you found out about it.”
“Well, it matters to me,” Kyle explained. “I mean, like half of my issue is about the intactness of your cock, really, and I have to hope your parents don’t have a practical interest in that.”
“You would be surprised at what my father can find it in himself to care about,” Stan remarked. “Or maybe not. Nothing shocks me anymore.”
“That’s true,” Kyle agreed. He tried to give Stan a smile, but moving certain facial muscles was proving too painful still. So instead, he shut his eyes, and tried to get a little sleep. He noticed Stan lifting the cat off of his lap, but this didn’t stir him.
Sleep proved pretty difficult, especially considering the fact that when Kyle shut his eyes, he felt like he was spinning. So he yawned, and tried to sit up, which also proved to be somewhat irritating. Stan was still sitting there, although the cat had left. His arms were crossed, and he was wearing an incredibly stupid smirk.
“What are you doing?” Kyle asked fuzzily.
“Watching you sleep.”
“That’s not creepy.”
“I can’t help it. You’re adorable.”
“Why do you say that?” Kyle asked. “I probably look fucking green, and if I make any sudden moves I’m going to dry-heave.”
“That’s gross, but endearing.” Stan uncrossed his arms and brushed some hair out of his eyes. “You’re endearingly crass.”
“And nauseated. And wondering how I’m going to get off if I can’t stick my cock inside your foreskin.” Kyle blushed. “To put it bluntly. Or crassly.”
“It’s not like that’s all we ever do,” Stan noted. “I mean, you can eat ass like a pro. Frankly, I think I’ve been letting the great majority of your skills go untested.”
“I’m not in the mood to be tested, honey. I’m fucking ill.”
“It’s okay.” Stan shrugged. “I’m used to spending the day after Christmas watching people choke down aspirin like it’s edible crack. I mean, I’ve never had to do it sitting in a room with a birds-and-fruits themed tree, let alone two depressingly gay trees, but whatever.”
“I want you to know I’m not giving up Christmas for you,” Kyle announced. Then he recoiled. “Oh man, who would have envisioned me saying that to you?”
“When we were children? Probably no one.”
“What prompted that decision?”
Kyle shifted his weight on the couch, and moved his head a little closer to Stan’s. “I just like it, is all. Well, that and I had a talk with Kenny.”
“The same Kenny who gave us a glass pipe the size of my thigh and a box of biscotti for Christmas?”
“Yeah, that one,” Kyle confirmed. “The one who’s an insufferable douche.”
Stan rolled his eyes. “Okay, well, so we’ll keep having Christmas. It’s not like I believe in Judaism.” He softened his voice nearly to a whisper, and said, “I just believe in us.”
Kyle frowned. “That is so corny.” He said this like it was a bad taste he was trying to get out of his mouth. “Besides. If you don’t believe in Judaism, what’s the use in converting?” Before Stan could answer, Kyle warningly told him, “The metaphorical us is not a religion, mind you.”
Stan cleared his throat. “I suppose it’s inaccurate to call myself an atheist, considering.” He paused to choose his words carefully. Then he continued: “You want someone who’ll never leave you. I don’t ever want to leave you. Your mother, when she was buying me lunch and trying to sway me, well — I don’t quite think she realized that I was already decided long before she began. I mean, she helped me with some of the practical details. But she really wanted me to do it for the wrong reasons, this blind adherence to some kind of ancient trope.
“But it’s, like, whatever, as far as that’s concerned. You’re what matters to me, and I’ve been thinking a lot lately about our children — and no, you don’t have to start seizing in protest, I’m not ready, either. But I can’t see them not being a part of this … cohesive family unit. And that includes all things, and religion is part of it. … Also, we will all get each other’s Social Security Numbers tattooed on our asses.”
“My ass would look horrible with your Social Security Number on it,” Kyle mused. “I really don’t want to draw attention to the fact that it’s kind of expansive.”
“I like that aspect of it,” Stan confessed. “And in a way it’s very lyrical, you know, this whole thing. It’s kind of like you’re shoving your cock head in the foreskin of my life.”
Kyle narrowed his eyes. “I wouldn’t call that lyrical.”
“Well, suit yourself. Just let me tell you one last overwrought thing.”
“Sure.” Kyle nodded. “Then you go make me a pot of coffee. And some baked beans,” he added.
“Okay, sure.” Stan cleared his throat. “When I was about 14 years old, I started really enjoying Confession. I knew it was something I had to do, which I have always disliked as a rule of thumb, but this is different. When I would get in there, aside from always sort of wondering if Father Maxi was beating off on the other side, I would just talk about how I was having romantic feelings for my best friend, who was also a guy. And he would kind of tell me to do a Hail Mary or 20, but the point was, I got to discuss it with someone.”
“Yeah, someone who probably looked down on you for it.”
“Well, whether or not he did, it was nice to get it off my chest. So I don’t want to say that Catholicism hasn’t given me anything, because it has — it helped me work out my feelings for you. And, you know, it’s always been something I shared with my parents. But I’m with you now, and I don’t have to keep that shit to myself or between me and God. So, fuck it. I’m hopping ship. Does that make sense? When you said Catholicism was perfectly okay, or whatever you said, I just want you to know, I agree. It’s fine. It’s just not me anymore, you know? Because as much as you wish I wouldn’t, people do change, and the person I was when I was fantasizing about you isn’t better than the person I am when I’m with you.” Stan coughed awkwardly. “And also, I plan to be completely high when they carve that skin off my dick. I wouldn’t go into that shit sober if my life depended on it.”
“Wonderful,” Kyle agreed. “I just hope you realize, if you think I’m going to let that fucking cat ruin any more orgasms for me, I’m gonna take it to the groomers and have them shave it bald. Got me?”
“I got you.”
“Great.” Kyle pressed his lips to Stan’s. They kissed. Kyle drew away, and blushed. “I’d give you tongue, but I think it’ll taste like Grand Marnier and marshmallow.”
Stan stood up. “I’ll go make you your beans now.”
He began to walk away.
“And coffee!” Kyle shouted after him. “If you forget my coffee, Stan, so help me I will—”
As he lit the stove, Stan felt good to be within earshot of the same callous bitching he wanted to be privy to until he died and was buried, without Kyle’s Social Security Number tattooed on his ass. He didn’t dare mention it, but he knew as well as Kyle that tattooing was taboo in the Jewish religion.
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Date: 2009-01-01 00:47 (UTC)Anyway, that was really good. :D
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Date: 2009-01-01 01:24 (UTC)I'm kinda flattered, considering all your recent posts have been like, "Fuck the SP fandom." Only nicer.
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Date: 2009-01-01 02:05 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-01 02:36 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-03 02:00 (UTC)SO, LIKE, UM. First of all, the concept. I’ve never read a story with Stan wanting to convert, so I’m so happy to read something new and interesting. Then again, I hardly see stories where Kyle’s religion is ever really explored (like we’ve said before: it’s usually ignored), so that makes you even more original and great for making it the main subject of your story. I know nothing about Judaism, because I suck, but I’m convinced you know what you’re talking about here, and that gives you bonus points.
As always, the dialogue of the characters was amazing and true to form and just a pleasure to read. I love the occasional banter between Kyle and Stan. It’s so… well, CUTE. FUCKEN CUTE, I TELL YOU.
Okay, uh… I loved the scene with Craig. I’m such a sucker for Craig, and him being included in the story made me very happy. I loved the fact he was working at TARGET, too, and that he seemed to remember Kyle and Stan so well and yet Kyle and Stan seem to have completely forgotten all their schoolmates and their names. I also liked the fact Kyle had a past relationship here. That was a really nice touch, and it added to the overall depth of the story, and… yes… I enjoyed that.
Also you taught me something. Cock-docking. NEVER HEARD OF IT. Seriously. I’m willing to admit this. I’m not even going to PRETEND I knew what that was. But, ohmygod, I laughed so hard when Kyle said: “If Stan converts he’ll be circumcised, and then we won’t be able to dock anymore.” The whole expression, “We won’t be able to dock anymore,” OH MY GOD, WHY DO I FIND THAT SO HILARIOUS? Ohmygod. I love you. But, seriously… Part of me wants to look up this whole cock-docking thing for further visual aide, but looking at penises usually results in making me nauseous, so I’m going to leave the whole thing to my imagination.
Ugh, okay. So, I know I have, like, a ton more to say about this story, and this “review” is really crappy, but just know I really enjoyed this story, and as always, you amaze me, and I’m saving this to my laptop. Hey, did I ever tell you I have a folder for your writing on my laptop? Well, now you know. Usually I just mush all my favorite fics into one folder, but I gave you a personal one, because that’s how much I love you.
Okay, I’m gonna stop being creepy now.
But, I loved this. Just know that. Sorry for the shitty review.
no subject
Date: 2009-01-04 04:44 (UTC)Wow, I did something new and interesting! That's hot, thank you. I'm surprised more people don't look into Judaism (or even Catholicism which is in many ways I think very different from the mainstream Protestantism a lot of Americans practice, or not as it happens) before they write about it, even in a minor way. The information is very accessible. Granted, not everything on Wikipedia can be taken seriously, but researching's not that hard, is it?
I'm just glad the banter isn't repetitive and annoying. Let me know if it is at some point, okay?
Like, ahahahaha, Craig is such a big fucking deal in so many stories, right? Bam, now he's working at Target. I know this is a reallly lame reply but most of what I have to say is basically, "I'm glad you like it, thanks."
Oh, hey, the cock-docking. Oh my god, you've never heard of it? Wow. For some reason, I thought you were like Mrs. Sex. Why did I think that? Please don't be insulting. It's supposed to be a compliment. Anyway, I'm sorry penises make you nauseous. I won't belabor the point about docking.
I am very flattered that you have a folder for me. (If you wrote something I might have one for you, but this is actually just an attempt to get you to write something again, so ignore it.) You write me some of the nicest, best thought-out, attentive reviews. Or "reviews." And half the time I just stare at them for months not replying, which is fucking rude, and I sort of don't deserve them because of it. So, thank you. I want everyone to like what I write, but I do really value your opinion. Here's a pony-related link for you:
http://fuglyhorseoftheday.blogspot.com/
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Date: 2009-01-04 08:02 (UTC)Mrs. Sex. Ahahaha. I will take that as a compliment. Don't worry, I myself am still trying to figure out how I never heard of this cock-docking thing. Don't think any less of me because of my lack of cock-docking knowledge.
Oh, my God! Ponies. This one is my favorite: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_uT-i4wrm9Ec/SUwRLx85GwI/AAAAAAAADS0/OvVvZiLceeM/s1600-h/chipbow.jpg
It has a bow.
But, seriously, I'm glad my feedback makes you happy. You totally deserve it, and if I could, I would make everyone who reads SP fanfic read your writing.
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Date: 2009-01-13 18:07 (UTC)Dude, I have a book called the Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices, and it sucks. The entry on docking is really lame. It's like, "See also: bee stings." I found a couple of sites that were all like, "HOT DOCKING ACTION!!" Google cock-docking. See what happens.
That pony looks so disinterested! Like he doesn't give a crap about anything! Ah, to be a pony.
Aw, thanks. I'll just have to write some more shit, you know.
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Date: 2009-01-10 00:47 (UTC)I'd never heard of cock docking, never ever, and I've been spending way too much time on the Internet for at least 8 years now and I'm a total perv who consumes maybe too much porn, a lot of which is of the male homosexual variety. It doesn't even seem that weird, but I never heard of it. You have made my day, it's so great to be reminded that there is still some some wonder left for me to me discover in this world.
Anyway. You're still a fantastic writer, and there's a lot that I really liked in this story, and god, I love the way you write the goddamn characters. Seriously awesome.
I also really like the way you explored Kyle's faith, which isn't done nearly enough. The farthest most SP fics I've read go into it is refering to him as "the Jew" every third sentence which is seriously so goddamn annoying. SERIOUSLY.
I suck at constructive criticism. Basically: pls to not ever stop writing for the SP fandom unless you're pouring your creative writing efforts into something you can actually sell because you totally should because money is excellent and your writing is also excellent and should maybe be used in the pursuit of the former.
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Date: 2009-01-13 18:01 (UTC)Oh my god, who hasn't heard of cock docking? Apparently everyone! In which case I guess this story was educational. To be fair, I guess most dudes hanging around the US -- and maybe also French Canadia, it's hard to say, you tell me -- are circumcised, which would make this a kinda pointless pursuit. You know what I found out I didn't really know about until last year? Sounding. Like, putting a tuning fork in your urethra. I knew women in the 1950s sometimes put paperclips in their urethras, because I read it in some book that was seriously down on deviant sexuality, but ... dude. I was like, there's a name for that shit? So, I kinda know what you're going through. Except the idea of putting anything in my urethra is kinda icky, whereas foreskins = !!!!!
Now that we've discussed urethras and foreskins and, you know, whatever other important stuff: thank you. Really. I'm very glad you like the story. Incidentally, do you how freaking easy it is to just be all, " 'Bleh bleh bleh,' said the Jew, to the raven-haired boy"? IT WOULD BE SO EASY.
Oh, hey, I could sell this. I just have to copy and paste the names. Anyway, anytime you do want to be critical, please go ahead. I would value your input.
crappy icon, GO!
Date: 2009-02-11 06:12 (UTC)Cock-docking is my new favorite thing to say. Especially since when i was like, thirteen, I seriously thought that was what gay sex was. Anal had never crossed my mind.
I love how you handled Kyle's relationship with his religion and his mother- though, I felt a bit sad that everyone had grown apart as adults, even if that is the most realistic thing.
I really enjoyed this and hate that I cannot ever leave a decent comment.
Re: crappy icon, GO!
Date: 2009-02-11 17:57 (UTC)Yeah, this story was actually written for someone who wanted a more realistic approach to the subject.
I'm so glad you enjoyed it, because I'm paranoid that people hate the new story I wrote. This comment is perfect and I thank you for it.
Re: crappy icon, GO!
Date: 2009-02-11 20:17 (UTC)And you did it wonderfully.
Yay! You're welcome.
Re: crappy icon, GO!
Date: 2009-02-11 20:34 (UTC)Re: crappy icon, GO!
Date: 2009-02-11 20:38 (UTC)Re: crappy icon, GO!
Date: 2009-02-11 20:40 (UTC)Re: crappy icon, GO!
Date: 2009-02-11 20:41 (UTC)Re: crappy icon, GO!
Date: 2009-02-11 21:08 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-10 14:22 (UTC)Okay, I'm not that great at reviews, so my apologies ahead of time. This is going to be aaaall over the place.
Overall, I loved the story. Of course.
I've never seen this topic covered before in this fandom, so points already for originality. But best of all, I loved that you touched on this subject because this is a serious situation that pops up in relationships that are in it for the long haul all the time. This predicament was very real. Yet, you managed to keep the characters very South Park-esque. Not an easy task!
I love your Kyle because he gets on my nerves. I know that sounds kind of bad, but I don't mean it to be taken that way at all, believe me. I really feel like that if you can write a character well enough that conveys such personality to provoke that sort of feeling out of the reader, then right on. I think Kyle would act exactly like this from what we know about him in the show. He may get on my nerves, but like I said, still love him!
Your dialogue is fantastic. It has such flow and it's like an actual conversation. The characters aren't just spewing out plot points or bad jokes.
"...This is, like, pink-sparkly-butt plug gay."
The above line, as well as the entire paragraph it was written in, had me cracking up. It was the perfect reaction for Stan and just hilarious. Even throughout this entire story, your humor is witty, not over the top. It feels very natural to the reader, like you're not purposely trying to get laughs. Another line I loved was Craig's Target send off (which was just one of my favorite scenes) "Well, that's awesome. Thanks for shopping at Target." hahaha.
Oh! Another line I loved:
One time at a deli, a man sitting next to him asked him if he was a gay Jew, which really annoyed him, because all he wanted was to drink a cream soda and eat his matzoh ball soup in peace.
This was fantastic because you explained irony with one sentence. Kyle was totally adhering to the stereotype of a gay Jew with his matzoh ball soup and his cream soda. I was laughing here too.
Kyle's relationship with his mom was spot on because people freak out on their parents and whine just like that, even when they are older. You really expressed his frustration with her well.
Another little detail that I really liked was the martini joke. It was something small that I really appreciated. It was just funny how it kept coming up and how Kyle was getting ripped on for it. Tiny details like that bring characters to life, for me anyway. Like their relationship with Chastity and Kenny's comments about the cat. Hahaha. This stood out for me too.
This is getting long and I don't want to bore you with my mindless praising. Haha. So, totally loved the story, loved your chracterization, loved the little details, and loved the humor. Way to go! Can't wait to catch up on your other stories. :)
no subject
Date: 2009-04-13 02:42 (UTC)Oh my god, please never apologize for what you write in a review! I’m just so happy to hear from people, and so flattered that you like it this much so long after it was posted, you know? I mean, I actually think this story’s pretty bad, but — really, thank you for leaving a comment.
I’m always slightly unsure of whether I’m actually keeping the characters canonical or true to the show or whatever. But I guess if you’re satisfied, it’s okay. Oh, and again, with the fact that I write the worst Kyle ever. I thought he was a little better in this story! But, again, I guess you like it, so it must be alright.
And that deli thing really did happen to me. I was sitting in the Second Avenue Deli in New York, back when it was still at Second Avenue and 10th Street, and I was honestly just reading a book and eating a sandwich and minding my own business when the man sitting next to me, who was having a conversation about why someone would eat at a kosher deli, loudly said, “I think it appeals to redheaded Jews,” which freaked me the fuck out. Because, dude, what the fuck. And also, the Second Avenue Deli is probably the best deli in the country, and New Yorkers of all varieties eat there, and it was just the most painful question I’d ever heard asked in my life at the time. So, there you go, writing from experience. (Then I was like, dude, I just like the sandwiches, leave me alone, and the guy told me to switch to Katz’s. Screw Katz’s.)
Sorry it took so long to write this (relatively short and unworthy) reply. I really, really appreciate that you took the time to leave a comment on my shit, especially months-old, mediocre shit. But, hey, it feels awesome, and I really am flattered that you like it. I also totally get that real life eats up fandom time, so don’t feel bad about being absent – shit happens, that’s life. But thank you, again, really, for leaving a review. That people like this stuff is what makes it worth it.
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Date: 2010-11-07 00:48 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-07 19:43 (UTC)